Would you believe me if I said I'm back?
I didn't think I'd be saying that, to be honest I thought that my last post would be 'my last post'. What started off as a seemingly innocent 'mini-break' so that I could focus on my final year studying Law at university, ended up becoming a serious debate about whether I should really return.
I suppose you could say that this happens to every blogger someway along the line, but I never genuinely thought that I'd ever come to the conclusion that I just did not want to do this anymore.
But when I thought I was really ready to return, I just felt like I couldn't find anything that I actually wanted to share. Anything I thought I should share seemed inane and superficial, nothing worth writing about and nothing worth sharing. I suppose you could say this whole thing - including my break - stemmed from my dissatisfaction of the 'blogging industry' in general, because I always felt kind of 'out of step with it'. Like I was stumbling through for months and years having no real clue what I was doing (but having fun along the way) and meanwhile I always had this direct screen via twitter through to the world of what seemed like 'blogger fantasy', and frankly feeling really s*** about myself because I wasn't reaching that level of 'perfection'.
But it's so funny when it suddenly clicked with me:
I'm not 'one of them' and I never will be, so why have I allowed myself to feel so disillusioned when I realised that I wasn't 'that'? I never truly felt like I could be COMPLETELY myself, even when I told myself that I was 'happy' and 'didn't feel pressured' when I was feeling pressured. Blogging stopped becoming fun and became something that meant I had to conform to the kind of 'blogger status-quo' because 'people only want to read about X, Y and Z'.
Throughout my blogging experience, I secretly told myself through the whole thing that my end goal was to be like 'one of them' - but I don't actually want that deep down. I just wanted to feel accepted, because let's be real, black hijabi bloggers are an anomaly in the blogging system, the majority of those who are widely recognised are white, whatever people say, and don't reflect ethnic minorities or important views about race, religion and culture, despite what so many people do not want to admit. That's what really frustrated me.
I went through some serious updates with my twitter feed in the process to help me gain perspective, but now it feels like a weight has been lifted, I can write anything I damn well want to and that's what I'm going to do. Completely, unapologetically, I'll write about the things that matter to me, what I genuinely have a passion for, what I think people should know about because there's so much power to being an influencer that so many don't take advantage of. Like with Brexit, the rise in hate crime in the UK, the Black Lives Matter movement, so many people who I'd hoped would speak out stuck their head in the sand and told us what they're favourite lipstick was when people pleaded with them to share their views. Like, really?
But now, I genuinely feel like it's my time to take control and take back months of pretending to be someone I'm not.
Diary of a Deera has turned a new page.